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Welcome to another installment of "My Apple Watch is shaming me."
Yesterday morning, while I was sipping on my second cup of coffee, my wrist vibrated. When I looked down, I saw this message:
I'm sorry, but I feel there should be a no-activity-shaming-before-8-a.m. rule.
By 8 a.m. on most days, the most I've exerted myself is half-heartedly chasing Nugget away from Pumpkin's breakfast, before eventually saying, "Eh, that's just natural selection in action," and going back to my cereal.
My watch's act of aggression reminds me of those supposedly "motivational" clickbait-y think pieces about the thousands of things I need to do before 7 a.m. every single day if I want to be successful.
"If you want to be a super-productive billionaire who only wears monochromatic clothing and lives in a house made entirely of glass one day, here's what you need to do:
Get up at dawn, watch the sun rise, meditate, make your own yogurt (unless it's a fasting day!), run a marathon, compose a poem about your feelings, read your work email, don't read your work email, write your daily intention on a piece of paper and then put it into a bottle and chuck it into the ocean, burn incense, spend 15 minutes decluttering (and then another 15 minutes stacking everything you own into a pyramid to harness energy of your ancestors), hunt a wombat for sport, write a chapter for a novel you'll never publish (just to get the ol' noodle going), juice 17 cantaloupes, fill out your gratitude journal, fill out your affirmations journal, fill out your goals journal, fill out your to do list with only one item, make your bed with crisp hospital corners, fold your towels into swan shapes like you live at an all-inclusive Sandals resort, make a kale and garlic smoothie, make a vision board for your day using only magazine cutouts from Food & Wine and PC Gamer, and, finally, drink a glass of lukewarm water with salt and a lime wedge.
Now, you're ready to go to work!"
Reading those articles is utterly exhausting. I mean, I get it. I'm never going to take over the world, but could the internet stop making me feel so awful about not literally curing cancer before 9 a.m.?
You know what I find motivates me for the day? Grumbling my way around my bedroom, as I change from pajamas into some sort of athleisurewear outfit — which is just basically a socially-acceptable pair of new, clean pajamas — while I listen to NPR. Also, the bowl of pumpkin spice Special K cereal I eat downstairs at my breakfast bar, while listening to CBS This Morning with Gayle King.
Oh, and this quote from Dolly Parton:
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
...which I love so much, it's on my lock screen on my iPhone, and I shared it with y'all in this article.
I may never be a pre-dawn wombat-hunting, cantaloupe-juicing, marathon-running billionaire. But I think I'm OK with that. So, can it, Apple Watch. You can't judge me.
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